I was never confident back in high school. All my friends were, and I was jealous of that because I so desperately wanted to be filled with confidence but I wasn't. Because of my lack of confidence, it also led to my lack of self love for myself. I was a big girl in school, and it made me self conscious of what others in my class might have been thinking of me.
There was one point, in year 10, I was in IT class and I was just working sometimes eavesdropping on the people talking beside me. Jacob, as previously mentioned in my dyspraxia blog post, I overheard him calling me fat. Yes, the one boy who I thought to be a good friend to me called me fat. I tried to not take it personally, but who wouldn't. One girl sitting opposite me stuck up for me though, which I was grateful for.
It is always the smallest of words
that can eat at your mind. From that day, I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. He was right, I was fat and he was merely telling the truth and I couldn't be mad at him for that. Weeks went by and it was still on my mind so I decided to do something about it. I just wish I went about it different way than I did.
I started to not eat at school. It's so easy to get away with not eating in school. Someone could ask why you're not eating and you could lie and say "Oh, I had something before I saw you" and they will believe you. Even if it's a really good friend of yours. It shouldn't be so easy to starve yourself at school.
I would not eat at school, but then I would go home and have dinner so my mum wouldn't get suspicious of me. It was a very dumb thing to do, I know. It went on a month, and you can only eat so little until you almost faint walking to class one day. I went to the medical room, where I stayed there for about an hour just laying on the bed. The nurse told me to go to lunch and eat something and I should feel better. I did, I got wedges but their wedges were not good that day so I only ate about three pieces.
It went on for one more week after that until my best friend spoke to me about it. With advice from her, and helping me, I got through that bad time and started eating again. I did eat healthier though and exercised daily all while eating well. So, I can only thank my best friend. I know she's not reading
this, but I love you boo!
Two years ago I found my favourite quote. I remember it every time I feel down about myself or lack self confidence.
"Fake it until you make it."
I love this saying. I read it, I think it everyday and I have it written down in my journal. If you want to learn to love yourself, you have to fake it until you believe it. Every morning, tell yourself positive things while looking in the mirror. Here are a few things you could say.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I belong here.
Say these things while looking in at the mirror. Say it in the morning, say it last thing at night, basically just say them every chance you get. Trust me, it works. Well, at least it does for me. It takes time, but you will get there.
Self love is not an overnight thing. It does take time, and the more you want it, the more you will work for it.
Everybody deserves to love themselves. No matter the body type, no matter your race, no matter how you speak, no matter how you look. You should love yourself, you deserve to love yourself because you are worth it and you are going to do something great in the future.
I was extremely insecure about myself two years ago. I still am, but not as much. The reason I have gained self confidence is actually because of Zoe and Alfie. If you don't know them, they are Youtubers. They are both so positive, and it inspires me to do what I love everyday. Seeing Alfie always reminds me to remain positive. Their lifestyle is filled with positivity.
You won't get nowhere with a negative mind.
Spend more time with family, see your friends and cut out all of the negative vibes in your life. I promise you as soon you do that, you will feel that slightly bit better. It won't take overnight, it will take a while to get to where you want to be but as long as you stick to it, you'll eventually get there.
Recently, I have bought clothes I would never have worn two years ago, but I got them and tried them on. They look so cute, and I realise that the only opinion I should care about is my own. If you feelgood in something, wear it! Wear it and hold your head up high.
Sure, I do feel nervous wearing new things around people. They may think negatively about what I am wearing or they may not, but I have also come to learn how to ignore those people staring.
Right now, I am writing this on holiday which will be another blog post next week. I started writing this post this morning on the train, and I couldn't seem to stop writing. I haven't gone aboard, it's a caravan park at Clacton On Sea and it's a cute little place. We do this every year with family and it's a nice to just relax.
I really hope this blog post has helped you any way. I want you feeling happy, or even confident within yourself. Let me know if you do different things to help with your confidence, I would love to know!
I don't know why, but I am writing this little bit while sitting on the carpet in the bedroom. I'm surprised to say that it is actually comfortable leaning up against the bed. This post is longer than I expected it to be.
I hope you are having a lovely day wherever you are.
Remember to do the things you love to do.
Until next time,